I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
