at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
