dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
