Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
