JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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