Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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