the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
