No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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