Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
