I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
