On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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