It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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