he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
