I will die if light touches me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
