I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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