Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
