Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize