I am in a vortex of obligation.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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