I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
