I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
