We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
