so let's talk penis.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
