I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
