Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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