Just fell off a train. Bad.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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