I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
