Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
