His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
