I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
