**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
