I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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