i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
