Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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