Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
