I can't breathe out the right side of my face
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
