If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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