i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
be right there i have to get my cape
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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