Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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