So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
