I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
