The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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