Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
did i walk over a car last night?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
