I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
