A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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