shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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