Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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