so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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