Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Mom said you looked used
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
