Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
