the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm at about main and main street
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
