If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
