I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
