I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
