Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
