Apparently you make a good broom.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
