My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize