There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
