The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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