our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
