my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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