There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
