I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
