i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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