best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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