my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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